Getting into Dating Again

If it’s been a while since you’ve dated, the idea of starting up again can feel a little daunting. Especially following divorce or the death of a spouse. Here are some tips and strategies to help you look for love in all the right places — or at least to feel more comfortable dating.

Preparing to date

You may want to get some things in order before you're ready to pursue dating and romance. See if any of these apply to you.

Tie up loose ends
If there are unresolved issues from your previous relationship, they can be obstacles to a healthy new one. These may be practical issues like settling matters about your children, finances or possessions. But they may also be unresolved feelings about your ex-partner. In this case, you may think about getting help from a therapist, counselor or coach who can help you process your emotions in a healthy way.

Get your career and home in order
Are there challenges you’ve been putting off? You may want to take care of them before starting a new romance. Finish the project at work that’s been looming or go after that promotion. At home, is there a remodeling project or a new garden you’ve been wanting to take care of? Taking the initiative to complete projects may help build the strength and confidence to take on dating.

Look inward
You may need to re-examine yourself — do a little looking inward before looking for another relationship. If you’re coming off of a divorce, try to understand the part you may have played in it and think about how you might redefine yourself. This could help you avoid repeating negative patterns in new relationships.

Strengthen your other relationships
Family and friends support us through the ups and downs of life. Remember and reaffirm the bonds with your loved ones. The knowledge that you have people who care for and believe in you can bolster you in a new relationship. Your support system can help you heal emotionally, build trust and continue to grow.

Become comfortable with your desires
Each of us, no matter what our age or circumstances, has the right to seek companionship. Many people feel guilty when they start dating again because of their kids or a lingering sense of responsibility. If you’re meeting your responsibilities, there is no reason to feel guilty.

Building dating skills

When you're ready to seek out and spend time with others, you may find that dating is a little different than it was when you were younger. Here are some skills and qualities that could come in handy. Some of these carry over almost directly from a relationship. Others may need a little practice and reshaping for dating.

Self-confidence
It’s normal to draw part of your identity from a long-term partner. After a split, there’s a time of adjustment, reshaping your self-identity. But remember, your value as a person hasn’t decreased simply because you’re newly single.

Communication
In any relationship, it’s essential to communicate well — sharing your ideas and feelings and absorbing those of others. To enjoy dating more, talk about your beliefs, values and priorities, and encourage your companion to do the same. Listening is also vital.

Risk taking
This may not come easily and can take effort. Practice being proactive and direct. Take a chance introducing yourself to someone who interests you. And be honest about your standards and stick to them. Taking a risk may mean feeling a little vulnerable and facing rejection. That’s OK. Learn to take rejection gracefully by acknowledging your feelings, not taking it personally and learning from the experience.

Meeting people

So you’ve done the work, but how do you meet people you want to date? That’s a question many people have faced even if they haven’t been out of the dating game for a while.

First and foremost, do the things that you like to do. You can even bring some friends with you. There's more than safety in numbers — there is support and confidence. Be yourself. Find activities you enjoy that have other people around. Here are a few examples:

Take courses at a community college
Go after some new knowledge and a new experience. You can take a class in art, cooking, dancing or learn a new language. It’s a great way to enrich yourself while being surrounded by other dynamic people. This way you can gradually get to know someone who has at least one interest in common with you.

Go out and about
It might sound simple, but it’s a good strategy for meeting people. See a concert, try a local bar, volunteer for a charity, check out an open-air market, or go to an art gallery. You don’t necessarily need to attend some formal event. Just put yourself in public places you enjoy where you can engage with other people and meet someone new.

Try a dating service or app
Using dating apps to meet new people has become pretty common. There are several options out there for you to choose from. Many have a specific purpose. For instance, they may focus on long-term relationships, casual dating, a specific culture, age group, or sexual orientation. Some may do more match making. They’ll ask you personal questions and use technology to match you to people who meet your preferences.

Dating activities

Now you’ve put yourself out there and met someone you’d like to spend time with. What are good dating activities?

Sometimes, people put more emphasis on dating form than on substance. For example, they choose dinner in a fancy restaurant when a simple cup of coffee or stroll through a park would do just fine. This can make dating seem like a game for the wealthy or beautiful, instead of a valuable chance to get to know and connect with another person.

Choose a date activity with that in mind. Good conversation doesn't guarantee a pleasant date, but it does improve the likelihood you enjoy yourselves. The most important part of the date is being able to talk, share a little bit about yourselves and enjoy a nice activity together.

Takeaway

People’s emotions can vary when a long-term relationship has come to an end. And there is no right time frame for starting to date again. Take your time, be intentional and make sure you’re ready.

When you are ready to date, practice the skills required, put yourself in places where you can meet new people and choose activities that help you connect with a potential companion.

Sources:

HelpGuide. Dating tips for finding the right person. Opens in a new window Feb. 5, 2024.

Mental Health America (MHA). Coping with separation and divorce. Opens in a new window Accessed Mar. 8, 2024.

Last updated: March 08, 2024

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