Moving through and moving on from an affair

Dealing with infidelity, or “cheating,” in a relationship can be hard. And finding out about an affair can be quite shocking. It’s normal to experience different feelings, such as sadness, anger or despair. Here are some ways you can move through and try to restore trust or move on from a relationship, if need be.

Define. Not all couples define infidelity the same way. For example, does an online relationship count as an affair? Or a close emotional relationship? Is physical contact required? Make sure you and partner are both clear about how you define infidelity in your relationship.

Give yourself time. Before deciding what to do — like staying together or going your separate ways — take some time. Having a clear head is important when making a big decision. And that can be difficult if you just recently discovered an affair.

Clarify. An affair can take place in just about any relationship, including happy and troubled ones. Although it may not be easy to do, and may require professional help, it’s important to talk about and determine the cause of an affair. There are many potential reasons. And they may be complex and not be strictly about sex. For example:

• A lack of communication
• Falling out of love
• A new situation or changing needs
• An underlying physical or mental health condition
• And other possible causes

Take a break from talking, if needed. Healthy communication is important to any good relationship. And being honest about your feelings is key. For example, once you know what you need, be clear and open about it — so that it’s clear to your partner, too. However, if you or your partner are finding it difficult to remain calm, take a break from talking. You can come back to the conversation when you’re able to talk and listen more productively.

Find additional support. Having a strong support system is important. Look to trusted family or friends. If you have any spiritual leader who you trust, consider seeking their support. You may also consider finding a marriage counselor. Seeing a therapist, whether alone or as a couple, may be helpful to try to restore trust or move on, depending on what you decide.

Sources:

Mayo Clinic. Infidelity: Mending your marriage after an affair. Opens in a new window Feb. 2024.

Raypole C. Why do people cheat in relationships? Opens in a new window Healthline. Oct. 2019.

Robinson L, Smith M, et al. Tips for building a healthy relationship Opens in a new window. HelpGuide.org. Jan. 2024.

Rokach A, Chan S. Love and infidelity: Causes and consequences. Opens in a new window International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. Feb. 2023.

Last updated: February 14, 2024

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