Productive Arguments

Disagreeing or arguing with a partner isn’t always a bad thing. Really. Healthy and respectful arguments can help the relationship grow. Arguments allow you and your partner to express feelings and opinions that might not be voiced in normal conversations. This kind of sharing (if you will), can deepen your connection as you learn more about each other and build bridges after conflicts.

How to have a healthy argument

The key to having a healthy and productive argument is to engage in respectful disagreements where no one is hurt – physically or mentally. This does take some focus, but with practice, you and your partner can learn some or all the skills needed for a productive argument.

Below is a list of skills that experts believe help promote a healthy argument. Feel like you’d like to give this a try? To start, pick just one or two areas. Practice them. When they feel natural, pick one or two more.

• Stay calm. Talk in a relaxed, respectful voice. Ranting and raving accomplishes nothing and only escalates the argument. If you feel yourself getting angry, take a few minutes to find your calm again.
• Be respectful. Nothing can escalate a disagreement more than insults, sarcasm or personal attacks. Use "I" statements to stay focused on how you feel about the issue rather than criticizing your partner's beliefs, opinions or behavior.
• Listen, really listen. Be willing to hear the other's point of view. One way to get in the right headspace to listen is to be mindfully curious about the other person’s perspective. This helps you to step back from your own view, access more empathy and actively listen. It’s hard to reach a satisfying resolution without really understanding your partner.
• Repeat back. Let your partner finish sharing their feelings or opinions, then repeat back in your own words your understanding of what you heard. Be open to their corrections and clarifications.
• Be clear. Communicate your issues clearly. Ask questions to better understand your partner.
• Be focused. Stick to the issue at hand. Dragging in other perceived slights or past mistakes makes resolution more difficult to achieve.
• Avoid accusations and blame. Avoid statements that begin with "You always" or "You never". Instead, try to stick to comments that begin with "I feel" or "I think." Don't judge your partner or call them "silly" or "stupid" for thinking or feeling a certain way. Everyone has a right to their personal beliefs and feelings. And validating the other person and making them feel heard can be a very positive and productive step forward.

A fair argument can improve a relationship or marriage and help you reach new levels of connection. The next time you’re in a heated discussion, try to take a breath and focus on maintaining respect and gaining better mutual understanding. Fight for your marriage or committed relationship, not to win.

Sources:

Helpguide.org. Tips for Building a Healthy Relationship. Opens in a new window July 1, 2019. April 10, 2024.

Love Is Respect. What is respect in a healthy relationship? Opens in a new window Accessed May 5, 2024.

Helpguide.org. How to Be Emotionally Intelligent in Romantic Relationships. Opens in a new window Feb 5, 2024.

Last updated: May 13, 2024

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