The Art of Compromise

The ability to negotiate and compromise is important in any relationship, whether a romantic partner, a friend or a colleague. To help you improve your negotiating skills and work on compromising, let’s talk about a few things:

• Why compromise?

• Tips to help you negotiate

• What if I'm the only one compromising?

Why compromise?

When people have different and clashing needs, compromise can be a useful strategy. Compromise is where both people make a concession in order to get what they want.

Some people see any compromise as a kind of failure, and pride themselves on getting exactly what they want from people through clever or aggressive negotiations. But a lack of comprise has disadvantages:

• Getting what you want at the expense of someone else is likely to involve some dishonesty, manipulation or abuse of power. This may clash with your personal beliefs about how people should behave with each other, and you will be left feeling uncomfortable with your behavior on some level.
• The other person will be left feeling dissatisfied, cheated or upset. This is likely to damage your chances of having a good relationship with this person in the future, and they are unlikely to trust you again in a similar negotiation. They may also tell their friends or colleagues about your behavior.

Ideally, honest negotiations and compromise will leave both people feeling satisfied with the solution and will help to build a good ongoing relationship.

Tips to help you negotiate

To give your negotiation the best chance of a good result, it might help to:

• Spend some time before the negotiation thinking about your needs and how important different factors are to you. What are you willing to be flexible about? What alternative solutions might there be?
• Pick a good time and place for your negotiation. For example, five minutes before a colleague has to go to a meeting probably isn’t a good time for a chat. Be clear with the other person about the purpose for your chat to give them time to prepare.
• Leave plenty of time for each of you to state your positions. Use active listening to try and draw out any hidden needs from the other person. Like, “You say you need to get home early on Tuesdays. Could you tell me more about that?”
• Try not to get overly emotional, although it may be relevant to let the other person know how you're feeling. You may need to say something like, “I've been feeling very upset about this situation.”
• When you are both clear about each other's positions, brainstorm as many possible solutions as you can. Write things down, even if they seem silly. You might want to ask a friend or colleague to help — they may come up with ideas you've missed.
• Agree on a solution you are both happy with. You may want to choose a solution that almost fits or works for the moment and then discuss it more later. For example, “I'm willing to come in later if you could do my report for me first thing.”
• You might want to agree to reviewing the solution after a period of time to see how you both feel it is working.

What if I'm the only one compromising?

Ongoing relationships are more important to most of us than getting exactly what we want in every situation. However, if we feel we are the only one making concessions, resentment will slowly build up and will eventually make it difficult to stay on good terms with the other person. If you feel this happening:

• Ask a neutral friend for their opinion to check that you're seeing things objectively. It might also be appropriate to have a conversation with the other person and ask them what they feel they are giving up to get what they want. This might help you to see the situation differently.
• How clear are you being about your needs? It might be useful to try again. “I'm not sure if I've made it clear, but I really need to go home early on Wednesdays. Could we talk about that again soon?"
• Is there any extra support you can get? In a work situation, you might speak to your union or a manager. Mediation services can help with difficult negotiations. Even a neutral friend can help come up with some alternative solutions.
• You may need to let the other person know that you feel negotiating with them isn’t going well and you’re considering walking away. Try not to use this as a threat but as an honest statement about your position. This will give them a final chance to change their approach before you withdraw.
• Once you've carefully weighed the benefits and disadvantages of this relationship and tried to resolve things, it might be best for you to withdraw from the relationship for the time being.

Conclusion

Compromising can be a bit of a balancing act. However, if both people are honest about what they want, with creative thinking it is usually possible to come up with a solution that leaves both people happy.

Sources:

Helpguide.org. Conflict resolution skills Opens in a new window. Feb 5, 2024.

National Library of Medicine. Conflict management Opens in a new window. July 3, 2023.

Last updated: June 13, 2024

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