Assertiveness Skills

Standing up for yourself and your beliefs is necessary for healthy relationships at home, at work, and with friends and family. An assertive person is able to respect the convictions of another while clearly expressing their needs and wants.

Types of Personalities:

Many people confuse being assertive with being aggressive. While assertive people can respectfully communicate their values and desires, aggressive people violate the values of others. Here are some common categories of communication styles:

• Assertive. Assertive people are clear communicators and will stand up for themselves if they feel taken advantage of or if their rights are threatened. They also typically think before they speak and might write down their thoughts before sharing them. They’re able to clearly express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions without disrespecting someone else’s.
• Passive. Passive people tend to go along with the crowd and avoid conflict and getting involved at all costs. Because they don’t value their own thoughts and feelings as much as they do the thoughts and feelings of others, people may not necessarily value them either and may take advantage of them. They can also secretly resent their inability to say no, and their relationships may become strained or even ruined from persistently saying yes.
• Aggressive. Aggressive people typically don’t take others’ thoughts and feelings into account. They tend to be bullies and can become easily angered. They get what they want in the moment by inspiring fear, but people will learn to resent them and become defensive.
• Passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive people may say one thing but mean another and don’t address situations upfront. They hide behind sarcasm and complain about others behind their backs. That can frustrate those around them because they don’t know whether to believe the passive-aggressive person or not.

The Benefits of Being Assertive

Being assertive has many advantages over being passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. Because you respect and value yourself and your thoughts, others will as well. It’s also freeing to be able to exercise the right to say no and not take on too many responsibilities. Assertive people may also experience the following benefits:

• dealing with less stress
• having greater self-confidence
• making better life decisions
• having more job satisfaction
• enjoying honest and open relationships

Assertive or Not?

If you’re wondering if you’re an assertive communicator, here are some questions you can ask yourself to find out.

• When you don’t understand or can’t do something, do you ask for help?
• If you disagree with others, do you offer your opinion?
• Do you speak with a confident tone of voice?
• Are you easily able to make eye contact with people?

If you answered yes to these questions, you’re assertive.

• Do people feel comfortable talking over you?
• Do people assume you’ll say yes when they ask you to do something?
• Do you frequently become angry with yourself when you can’t express your thoughts?
• Do people you supervise at work fail to follow your lead?

If you answered yes to these questions, you’re not assertive.

Growing in Assertiveness

Being assertive may not come naturally. But just because your typical communication style differs doesn’t mean that you can’t become more assertive. Here are some practical ways to become a more effective communicator and stand up for yourself:

• I versus you. Use “I” statements as opposed to “you” statements. For example, “I don’t agree with that statement,” instead of “You’re completely wrong.”
• Practice saying no. If saying no proves difficult, run through a practice conversation in the mirror or with a friend. Don’t feel like you need to give a long explanation. Be direct.
• Eye contact. Pay attention to your body language and emotions. Make eye contact with people. Stay calm, stand, or sit up straight.
• No blaming. People tend to shut down or grow defensive if they feel blamed for a situation. While it might feel good to blame someone, it isn’t helpful. The person won’t be able to hear and consider your thoughts if they feel accused of wrongdoing.
• Trigger words. When we’re angry, we tend to speak in extremes. Avoid words like “always” and “never” when angry.
• Humor. Do your best to keep the mood light. Laughter and humor are excellent coping mechanisms.
• Anger. Consider if anger is what makes you an aggressive communicator instead of an assertive one. Anger management training and assistance might be a helpful resource.

An assertive person learns to choose their battles wisely and knows not every argument is worth it. Holding a grudge is never helpful, so sometimes you have to let the issue go. You may not be able to win every argument, and some people may not be able to hear your thoughts. But when the moment presents itself, an assertive person is able to stand up, speak clearly and calmly, and be heard.


Sources:

Mayo Clinic. Being Assertive: Reduce Stress, Communicate Better. Opens in a new window Accessed February 1, 2023.
The University of Texas at Austin. Learning to Be Assertive. Opens in a new window Accessed February 1, 2023.
University of Kentucky. The Four Basic Styles of Communication. Opens in a new window Accessed February 1, 2023.

Last updated: February 10, 2023

By: © PAS Wellbeing Media, LLC. Reprinted with permission. All rights reserved.