A break-up or the end of a relationship is often hard. Many people strive for the kind of break-up where you can remain friends or at least stay on good terms. And in cases like co-parenting, sharing friends, or splitting up property, it becomes necessary. This article provides some tips to help you stay on good terms with your ex-partner.

Dealing with the aftermath

For a little while after a relationship break-up, we may still feel hurt, angry, confused, devastated, and more. These feelings can make it very difficult to stay on amicable terms with your ex-partner. It may help if you can:

Give yourself some time to recover. Don't expect yourself to be able to be objective straight away. A little time will give those raw feelings a chance to fade.

Be clear about your needs. If you don't feel able to deal with certain things right away, say so. You might want to ask a friend to pick up your things from your ex-partner’s home. Or tell your ex that you'll be ready to talk about the practicalities of separating once a few weeks have passed.

Build yourself back up. Get as much support as you can from friends and family. And try to look after yourself by taking a little time off work, writing in a journal or spending more time on your hobbies.

Being clear about practicalities

There are always practical issues that need sorting out after a relationship break-up. The following will guide you through this process and help you avoid arguments later on.

Make a list. Think of all the decisions that need to be made and ask your partner to do the same. This might include decisions about your children, financial matters, dividing possessions, telling friends and family, etc. Spend some time thinking about what is most important to you — if you really want the sofa, are you willing to give up the table? Where are you prepared to make compromises?

Arrange a meeting on neutral territory. Ask your partner to put aside any unresolved emotional issues before they come along and attempt to do the same. You may want to ask a neutral friend to provide an objective view.

Combine your lists. Spend some time agreeing on your priorities — what needs to be sorted out most quickly? What can be left for the time being? Take the top three decisions and see if you can come to a common agreement. Your friend may be able to make suggestions if you get stuck.

Write down your agreements and divvy them up. When the agreements have been made, clearly write them down. Write down any necessary actions on a separate page (e.g. get a valuation of the house). Divide these actions between you and agree when and where you will meet next.

Take a break when needed. If the atmosphere becomes heated, arrange for a five-minute break to clear your head. If things get out of hand, arrange another meeting and agree beforehand (by email or on the phone) how you’ll deal with the conflict if it arises again.

What to do when things get difficult

It is almost inevitable that you and your ex-partner will clash over certain issues. Here are a few tips to get you through the sticky patches.

Try not to get pulled into arguments. Solutions are rarely found when emotions are running high. Take a mental step back from the conversation, take a deep breath, and try saying something like 'I know we can't agree on this right now, but I wonder what ideas we could come up with between us'. If this feels too difficult then reschedule your meeting or phone call for another time.

Reflect. Spend some time alone thinking through why you're getting so upset or angry. What buttons are being pushed? Becoming more aware of your 'soft spots' can help you to detach from the argument and focus on practical issues.

Ask a good friend. Get their opinion on your difficulties. Encourage them to be honest about how you're dealing with the situation. And ask if they have any suggestions for what you could do differently. Try and listen to their advice!

Find support. If you are finding it impossible to communicate with your ex, consider getting some professional support. Try a mediation service and consider seeking legal advice if appropriate.

It can be a real challenge to untangle feelings and practical issues after the end of a relationship. However, clear and honest communication at this time can make a huge positive difference to both of you, especially if children are involved. An effort to be patient and understanding in the early days will reap rewards.

Sources:

Helpguide. Coping with a breakup or divorce. Feb. 5, 2024.

Mental Health America. Coping with separation and divorce. Accessed June 24, 2024.

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