Ahh, the holidays. According to the popular song, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. We get to spend time with friends and family we may not see often. We get to pour into those who mean the most to us. But according to actor and comedian George Burns, “Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city.”

Family get-togethers would be easy if it weren’t for our families. As much as we love them, they’re often the people who can drive us on the shortest trip to crazy. While some long for extra time with their loved ones, others dread family get-togethers. If the thought of a difficult family member gets your blood pressure rising, it’s time to accept the facts. You can’t change them. But you can change the way they affect you.

Before your next family gathering sends you to binge out on carbs, try these tips. They’re more permanent—and more effective—than self-medicating, and they can help you experience the kind of holiday celebration we all hope for, full of peace, laughter, and good tidings.

Tips for coping with difficult family members:

Spend some time before the event thinking about how you want to act. Mentally rehearse different situations with the outcome you want. Practice being gracious, changing the subject, and excusing yourself when necessary. Despite how others act, you can always choose to behave with grace and class.
Lead the conversation to pleasant things you have in common. Is Grandma Edna’s cheesecake still the best thing you’ve ever tasted? You can get a good five minutes out of that. Remember that camping trip in fourth grade when the tent fell on all of you? Or that catfish that flopped out of the boat? That should start the good memories rolling for another 10-15 minutes.
Bring along some board games or a fun, neutral movie, just in case. Providing an uncontroversial activity for everyone to focus on is a great way to snuff out tension. Don’t force these activities though. Just offer them to whoever wants to join, and be okay if not everyone takes part.
Agree to disagree. It’s okay to have different opinions about things. It’s part of what makes life interesting. Show respect for others’ points of view, and don’t share yours unless asked. If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable because of the conversation, excuse yourself and find someone else to talk to for a while.
Take breaks. Scope out a place to decompress before you need it. Politely excuse yourself to the bathroom, a guest bedroom, or even your car. Spend a few minutes scrolling through social media, watching funny cat videos, or listening to your favorite music. Take some deep breaths, and if you’re inclined, say a prayer. When you’ve gathered your composure, rejoin your family with a smile on your face.
Recognize that rudeness is about the other person and has nothing to do with you. Remember, something happened in that person’s life to make him/her behave the way they do. Be gracious and kind, but don’t let their issues spill over and become yours.
Limit your time. It’s better to stay for an hour or two and leave on a good note than to be miserable for several days.
Set healthy boundaries. Decide ahead of time what you will and will not endure. If things get too much for you to handle, excuse yourself as politely as possible, tell everyone you love them, wish them a happy holiday, and explain that you’re not feeling well and have to leave.

If you find yourself in a dangerous or abusive situation, get away as quickly as possible. If you feel you need more help preparing for a difficult holiday situation, reach out to a therapist. Above all, remember to be the kind of person you wish everyone else was. Be kind and encouraging. Show grace and compassion. Treat others the way you want to be treated, and be grateful that you’re in a healthy place that allows you to act in love, even when others don’t.

Sources:

Psychology Today. Dealing With Difficult Relatives During the Holidays? Published December 14, 2018. Accessed November 5, 2022.

Psychology Today. Ten Ways to Keep Family Members From Ruining Your Holiday. Published November 20, 2014. Accessed November 5, 2022.

American Psychological Association. Managing Conversations When You Disagree Politically. Published October 1, 2017. Accessed November 20, 2022.

Managing Family Stress During Holiday Gatherings

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