Traditionally, a stepfamily is one that forms on the remarriage of a divorced or widowed person and includes a parent with one or more children. A blended family includes two families coming together after marriage and then possibly adding children (half-siblings). However, families don’t look the same for everyone. Sometimes a couple with children from previous relationships may live together and play a strong, supportive role in each other's children's lives. Either way, cultivating a successful step or blended family can be challenging and may take patience, compromise, and motivation. But it’s worth spending the time to build good relationships.

Transition Process

New families often experience growing pains. Difficulty adapting to new routines, guilt over a divorce or ended relationship, anger about sacrifices, worry about the transition, and jealousy between stepsiblings are fairly common issues.

Stepparents may struggle to figure out their new roles. Questions over discipline, rule-setting, and household responsibilities may cause insecurity and uncertainty in the new stepparent and are important to address. Parents may also worry about perceived favoritism between biological and stepchildren.

Kids may feel caught between biological parents, not wanting to upset either one. In addition, they will need to learn how to “share” you with your new spouse. Sharing may also extend to their home and belongings if your new spouse/partner and/or their children moved into the child’s home.

Warning Signs

Here are some signs of a stepfamily struggling with change:

Behavior. A child may show unexpected anger or behavioral aggression toward another family member. Children may cry more than usual and isolate themselves from family and friends.
Activity challenges. Families have a hard time finding a shared activity they all can enjoy. Heightened emotions and constant conflict make family time difficult.
Discipline. The stepparent has problems disciplining a stepchild and/or disagrees with current discipline methods. This can cause conflict within the marriage.

Strategies for Successful Stepfamilies

Tension and family distress do not have to be the norm. The following suggestions are designed to improve unity within the family:

For Everyone:

Give everyone a say. Parents may have the final word, but considering everyone’s thoughts and feelings may help eliminate irrational fears about the stepfamily transition.
Be patient. Attempting to rush transition will only cause more stress. Trusting relationships between stepparents, children, and stepsiblings take time to develop.
Be clear. To avoid pushback from kids like “You’re not my parent, and you can't tell me what to do" or "That's not how we do it at Mom's (Dad’s),” talk about the rules of the new household so everyone knows what to expect.

For Parents:

Respect. Be cautious not to speak poorly about your ex in front of your children. Shaming your ex or using your children as messengers is not a good policy. Never ask your child to spy on your ex and his/her new partner or speak negatively about them. This places your child in an unfair situation.
Make Time. Carve out time with your children to participate in their favorite activities. Let them speak honestly about their fears and concerns with the new family. Reassure them you will always love them.
Don’t Assume. Even grown children who are independent adults may struggle with knowing their place. Listen to their concerns, and encourage them to play a positive role in the new family.

For Stepparents:

Space. Everyone deserves some privacy. Rather than feel shut off from the child, respect the space they need to function better.
Don’t Personalize. Stepchildren may not warm up to you immediately. Try not to take things personally. Their reactions may be more about the process itself than you as a person.

For Stepfamilies With a New Baby:

Explain. Talk to your children about the possibility of a new baby. Explain how things might change. Give opportunities for them to express fears or concerns.
Teamwork. Allow the children to help with the new baby. Feeling included helps alleviate feelings of being overlooked and forgotten.

While the challenges are very real for today’s stepfamilies, so are the rewards. If your stepfamily is experiencing growing pains, ask for help. Family therapy is an excellent tool for working through everyone’s emotions. For additional resources, check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center.

Sources:

American Psychological Association. Making stepfamilies work. Published August 23. 2019. Accessed February 9, 2023.

Helpguide.org. Blended family and step-parenting tips. Published December 5, 2022. Accessed February 9, 2023.

Psychology Today. Making blended families work. Published July 7, 2020. Accessed February 9, 2023.

Building a Successful Step or Blended Family

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