An important part of healthy relationships is effective communication. Assertive communication can help get your message across and make sure your thoughts and feelings are heard. Work toward improving personal and professional relationships with these tips.

Building your self-confidence

The first step of making yourself heard is believing that you deserve to be heard. This may be more difficult if you have low self-esteem or have had a history of not being listened to. Increasing your confidence will allow you to be more self-assured when you speak. Some ideas to get you started are:

Buy a blank scrapbook and make it your 'confidence book'. Write down or stick in anything that will help you to feel good about yourself — emails or cards from friends and family, good reports or thank you messages from work, a list of nice things your partner has said about you, a photo of yourself that you like. This might feel silly, but remind yourself that you are doing something important for yourself.
Ask your friends and family to tell you what they appreciate about you. Write it all down.
Throughout the day, get into the habit of gathering evidence of the things you do well. Write these down or take a moment to acknowledge your small successes to yourself.
Become more aware of the discouraging or negative thoughts you have, such as, "I have no chance of getting that promotion” or "You are an idiot to think she wants to be friends with you." Acknowledge these thoughts without agreeing with them, and come up with a possible alternative like, "I have as much chance as getting promoted as anyone else."
Find a good self-help book on building your confidence.
Have patience with yourself — building your confidence can be a long process. Feel pleased about your small successes along the way.

Learning to use 'I' messages

Using an 'I' message is a technique to help you say what you mean without attacking or blaming the other person. This will mean they are more likely to listen to your message. A 'you' message would be "You always leave your shoes near the door, it drives me mad!", and an 'I' message would be "I feel frustrated that I keep tripping over your shoes, and I nearly hurt myself today. I would appreciate it if you would put your shoes on the shoe rack.”

The three parts of an 'I' message are:

'I feel...'
Be clear about how you are feeling, e.g. "I feel upset, disappointed, frustrated..."
'...when you...'
Tell your partner what caused this feeling, e.g. "I feel upset when you tease me about not being able to do math."
'I want...'
Tell your partner what you would like instead, e.g. "I feel upset when you tease me about not being able to do math. I want you to give me some help with my tax bill."

You might need to practice this technique for a while before it feels natural.

Tips for being assertive

As well as building your confidence and using 'I' messages, you will also be more likely to be heard if you:

Choose the best time and place to get your message across.
Be conscious of your body language — keep an open posture, maintain eye contact and keep your voice clear and steady. If you are sitting down and your partner is standing up, stand up.
Give your partner a good reason to listen to your message by being empathetic, e.g. "I really want us to have a good working relationship," or "I really want us both to get there on time tonight." Follow this with a statement about what you need.
If your request is not being heard then you can move on to explaining consequences, e.g. "If you're not able to bring me your figures by 5 pm today then I will need to let our manager know."
It may be useful to use the 'broken record technique' — calmly repeating your original request until it's heard, e.g. "I hear that you are in a hurry. I need two minutes of your time now", then "I know you are back later. I need two minutes of your time now." etc.
Observe people who are skilled at getting their message across. How do they do it? Try their techniques out.

Keep practicing! Each time it feels like you haven't been heard is another opportunity to build on your new skills.

Sources

Helpguide.org. Effective Communication. November 27, 2023.

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