Even the best relationships can be stressful at times. Maybe you struggle with different opinions or get annoyed at each other’s habits. Perhaps worries over money or work is affecting your relationship. Or maybe you have no idea why you’re upset. No matter the reason, learning to manage stress can be a lifesaver.

Below are some common symptoms of stress:

body aches
fatigue, sleep problems
feeling restless, overwhelmed, or unable to focus
irritability, anger
depression
increased drug or alcohol use
changes in appetite
increased fighting and disagreements with others
avoiding activities that previously brought enjoyment

Stress is a normal reaction to environmental changes that helps prepare the body to prioritize and respond. It’s helpful in short bursts. But prolonged stress can cause physical problems, mental health concerns, and relationship dissatisfaction.

When Relationships Cause Stress

Sometimes a relationship can be the source of stress. Some examples include:

Questioning the future of the relationship. Maybe you or your partner doubt the relationship is the real deal or have mentioned concerns. Rocky commitment can shake even the most solid relationships.
Losing yourself. If your identity is wrapped up in the relationship, you may lose a sense of who you are. At times, compromise is necessary. However, if you’re the only one making sacrifices, you might feel bitter, lonely, sad, or lost.
Unresolved issues. Sometimes the past doesn’t stay in the past. You or your partner may have trust issues after being cheated on in a previous relationship. Or maybe one of you has learned unhealthy ways of coping such as anger, violence, or abandonment. As we grow, we develop certain patterns of communication that can become problematic.
Differences in values. Opposing ideas on things like religion, housework, or parenting style can cause tension. Money can be a large source of stress, especially when two people have very different opinions on how to spend or save.
Avoidance. Silence is not always the best option as it stuffs topics down and adds pressure to a relationship, much like a volcano waiting to erupt.
Disrespect, abuse, and excessive criticism. These patterns of behavior are not only unacceptable and stressful, they can be life-threatening. Be aware that sometimes they start small but can escalate quickly and become dangerous.

If your relationship is causing you stress, here are some things you can do:

Take responsibility. Stop playing the blame game. Accept that something you are doing is contributing to this pattern.
Educate yourself. Learn about the patterns in your relationship, then see what skills you can gain to change them. Perhaps you need to work on effective communication, listening, or calming your anger.
Start fresh. Sometimes you need a relationship overhaul. This might include speaking with a professional to help you see what areas need work. It might also be saying “goodbye” to the person in your life who’s bringing you down and “hello” to someone new.

When Outside Stress Causes Relationship Problems

Research shows that romantic partners who bring outside stress into their relationship are less satisfied with the relationship. This can include pressure at work, anxiety over finances, or too many obligations. The more stressors, the more dissatisfaction was expressed.

When we’re stressed, we have a higher need for support or understanding. When that need isn’t met, we can get frustrated, angry, or impatient. We may isolate and spend more time overthinking the issue than talking it out. That destroys our connection and prevents a resolution.

If outside stress is hurting your relationship, here are some things you can do:

Know yourself. Be aware of how you handle stress and prepare to minimize the destruction as much as possible.
Ask for help. Saying things like, “I just need to vent for a few minutes” or “Could you please fold the laundry tonight?” might help prevent a blow-up. It can also be valuable to reach out to a trusted friend or even a therapist.
Engage in self-care. Find a hobby, go for a walk, take a bath, watch a comedy, practice deep breathing, or meditate. Whatever you choose, take some time each day for you.
Ignore the Golden Rule. Treating others how you want to be treated can be helpful … unless they don’t want to be treated in the same way as you. Think about what your partner might need, and try to provide that.

There will always be some degree of stress in your life. But the more you work on managing it, the less it will affect your relationship.

Sources:

National Institute of Mental Health. I’m so stressed out! Fact sheet. Accessed February 7, 2023. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/stress/index.shtml

Office on Women’s Health. Stress and your health. Accessed February 7, 2023. https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/stress-and-your-health

American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Stress from daily hassles in couples: Its effects on intradyadic stress, relationship satisfaction, and physical and psychological well-being. Accessed February 7, 2023. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jmft.12073

National Library of Medicine. Examining the effects of couples’ real-time stress and coping processes on interaction quality: Language use as a mediator. Accessed February 7, 2023. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6340998/

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