Arguments happen – they’re a part of life. Even people in very healthy relationships have disagreements sometimes. But what can you do when you’re struggling to put a particularly difficult dispute behind you?

Learning why you may be holding on, how to let go, and what to do if you’re feeling stuck can help you move on in a healthy way.

Why we might be holding on

Sometimes we can move on quickly after an argument, while other times it can feel impossible to forget what’s been said – or to resist starting the argument up again.

A disagreement can feel uncomfortable if there’s a lack of closure between the two of you. If you’re both open to it, spending a little more time talking through the issue and expressing yourselves clearly can help.

If the discussion is over, but something continues to bother you, there could be an underlying reason. A few common ones include:

Painful or unresolved issues from our past
Some arguments can bring up fear (for example, reminding us of when we were bullied at school), a feeling of rejection (reminding us of how we never fully felt accepted by our parents) and other feelings including sadness or anger. You might not be consciously aware of a link between the argument and an unresolved issue from the past until you talk things through with friends, family or a therapist.
Hidden needs
Sometimes we can focus our attention on something practical that symbolizes a deeper need we have in a relationship. An example would be feeling very upset that our partner has forgotten to fix the broken tap, when really, we’re feeling unloved and generally neglected by them.
Hot spots
Hot spots are events or subjects that you just don't talk about. They may be times you felt very let down by your partner or something you still feel ashamed about. Not speaking about these hot spots may cause them to become even bigger issues.

It might be helpful to spend some time reflecting on your argument using the list above. You could do this alone, by going on a long walk, writing in a journal or confiding in a close friend.

Letting go

Once you have a better understanding of why you might be holding on to an argument, it’s time to find a way to resolve it. Here are some steps to consider as you process things and work toward letting go.

Be honest with yourself and acknowledge when a situation is difficult for you. Ignoring or suppressing your feelings may worsen the issue, whereas processing your experience can lead to a healthier resolution.
Write down your thoughts and feelings about the argument. Don’t hold back — let it all out. When you feel ready, make a conscious decision to let the argument go. You can even crumple and recycle the piece of paper to feel a tangible sense of closure.
If appropriate, share any “hidden reasons” with the person you had the argument with. You could say something like, "I know I keep bringing this up. I’ve realized it’s because it reminds me of the hard time I had when I was a teenager. It’s surfacing a lot of memories for me."
Arguments can get heated, and when we're emotional it's easy to slip into behaviors that are unproductive or disrespectful. Consider making a plan for next time to determine the boundaries you'd like to set and what behavior would warrant calling for a break from the discussion.
Decide whether you need to take any action for yourself. If you always get angry when you're criticized, try to find a self-help book on dealing with criticism. If you have low self-esteem, find a supportive friend and talk this through or consider looking for a therapist who can help you work through it and build up your confidence.
When you feel yourself thinking about the argument again, acknowledge your hurt feelings and then distract yourself by doing something else. It might help to funnel energy into some of the actions you decided on.
Be patient with yourself. It may take time for your emotions to fade, just as it takes time for our bodies to physically heal after an injury. You can help the process along by taking good care of yourself through relaxation, meditation and other forms of self-care.

What to do if you’re still stuck

If you try these suggestions but still feel stuck, it may be helpful to talk with a professional. Find out if your health insurance includes mental health services. You can also see if your employer or organization offers an employee assistance program (EAP), which can include mental health support.

Moving on from an argument doesn’t mean that you’re letting the other person ’win’ or that you’re not taking your feelings seriously. Arguments, and even feeling a lack of closure, are a part of the human condition. Paying attention to your feelings and focusing on what’s best for you can help you shift away from blaming the other person and move toward healing.

Sources:

PsychCentral. How to Get Past That Endless Argument. September 23, 2021.

CBC Life. How to break an argument cycle with a loved one. February 18, 2022.

Moving on after an argument

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