When someone is codependent, they lose their sense of self and become unable to define and meet their own needs. This is because they’re completely absorbed in meeting the needs of another person who’s often struggling with addiction or illness. That kind of intense focus can jeopardize the codependent person’s health, safety, and success in life. This is commonly seen in romantic relationships, although any relationship can take on the negative traits of codependence. You can see evidence in parent and child relationships, between siblings, and among coworkers.

How Do People Become Codependent?

No one is born codependent. A baby is completely dependent on a caregiver, whereas a codependent person learns this behavior. It can be passed down through the generations by observing other family members and modeling their behavior. People who struggle with codependency are sometimes known as “relationship addicts” because the connection is unhealthy, destructive, and one-sided.

People who have addiction (drug, alcohol, food, gambling, etc.) in their family history are more likely to become codependent. When physical, sexual, or emotional abuse has occurred, the risk of emotional dependence escalates. Mental illness is also a commonality among codependent people.

Characteristics of Codependent People

Codependent people struggle to define who they are and find their purpose in life. They see their place in this world solely through the lens of their codependency. Despite their genuine care and concern for the other person in the relationship, they will take on the role of a martyr or victim and are drawn to others with the same mindset.

Codependents are inclined to do whatever is needed to erase or minimize the consequences from their partner’s destructive behaviors. This keeps them on a damaging path. Codependents use others’ addictive behavior as an excuse to avoid communication and closeness with others who could help them.

There are many emotional characteristics of codependency. A person may not exhibit all these traits, but there will be some signs of imbalance such as:

low self-esteem and comparisons with others
overblown sense of responsibility for others
hurt feelings when actions aren’t recognized
fears of abandonment or losing the person in the relationship
difficulty understanding and identifying feelings
unable to set and maintain boundaries
emotional outbursts to stressful events
difficulty expressing their own goals or values
symptoms of anxiety, depression, or mental illness

Help for the Codependent Person

The following tips can help you or someone you know step away from codependent tendencies:

Identify. Start to notice what you feel and how you are acting. Name your own needs, emotions, and actions as your own.
Boundaries. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you don’t care for someone, and it’s healthy to set these boundaries. Tough love is sometimes the best thing you can do.
Self-Reliant. Think of some ways you could be more independent and take responsibility for your own emotions and actions. Encourage others around you to do the same.
Stop “Fixing.” It’s not your responsibility to solve other people’s problems. People who struggle with addiction or illness are capable of more than you realize. You can still support and love them without trying to “fix” their lives. Give them space to take personal responsibility for their actions and their future.
Explore. Discover what you value and what your beliefs are. Many times, we are people-pleasers looking for approval and love. Ask yourself if you’ve adopted values or beliefs simply to fit in or please your partner. Figure out what’s important to you regardless of others’ opinions.
Relax. Take some time for you. Relieve stress, tension, and anxiety by practicing relaxation techniques. Exercising, listening to music, practicing mindfulness, and enjoying activities you love are all ways to dial down worry and guilt. When you practice good self-care by relaxing, those negative emotions are less likely to creep back.
Be kind. Apply the “golden rule” to yourself. Treat yourself as you would like others to treat you: Be kind to yourself and offer forgiveness when needed.
Communicate. Relational closeness doesn’t magically happen. Open dialogue and communication is needed to foster intimacy in relationships.
Choose hope. It’s easy to worry too much, and fear can cloud good judgment. When we choose to operate out of hope instead of fear, we can focus on our needs and desires in a healthy way. If we’re living in fear of losing our partner, our stress and anxiety levels rise. A codependent lifestyle takes a tremendous toll on your mind and body.

If you or your loved one is struggling with codependency, be courageous and seek help. A licensed counselor or therapist can help you explore how you began to act this way and guide you to see healthy and unhealthy patterns in relationships. Together you can establish a plan to change your life’s direction and move from a codependent relationship to a mutually satisfying one.

Sources:

Mental Health America. Co-Dependency. Accessed January 22, 2023. http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

Helpguide.org. Codependency: Signs, Causes, and Help. Accessed January 22, 2023. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/codependency.htm

Codependence

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