Children and Divorce
Behaviors to watch for and helpful advice for you and your kids.
2 min readAround 1 in 2 marriages don’t make it, and the majority of people divorce while their children are still under 18. Ending a marriage is never easy, and no matter how civil your divorce, it will impact your kids. But if you you’re aware of—and plan for—potential issues, the transition can be a lot smoother.
Sources:
American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and divorce. Opens in a new window Published June 2017. Accessed February 1, 2023.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Children and divorce. Opens in a new window Accessed February 3, 2023.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Managing conflict during divorce. Opens in a new window Accessed February 2, 2023.
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Be Aware of Potential Issues
Children often take the blame for divorce and the responsibility for getting their parents back together. Younger children may regress to using a pacifier, wetting the bed, or having separation anxiety. Older children may feel guilt, anger, relief, or experience depression or anxiety. You might also see:- withdrawal
- lack of cooperation
- low self-esteem
- moodiness
- irrational fears
- repetitive behaviors
- no desire to communicate with one or both parents
- aggression at home or school
- academic or behavioral problems at school
Plan Your Next Steps
Your child’s reactions to your divorce can be hard to handle. But there are steps you can to make the transition less negative.- Talk about It. Civil communication is critical. If possible, both parents should be involved. Here are some important things to tell your child:
- exactly what’s happening
- how it does and doesn’t involve them
- what life post-divorce will look like
- that they should ask questions and express concerns
- Acknowledge. Let your kids experience their emotions without guilt or confusion.
- Support. Don’t lean on your children for support. They’re not equipped to handle your emotional needs.
- Respect. Your ex-spouse is still your child’s mom or dad. Don’t complain about them. And keep your arguments private.
- Be direct. Your children are not messengers or spies. Go to your former spouse for information.
- Be reliable. Don’t cancel plans with your child unless absolutely necessary, then sincerely apologize.
- Prepare. Last-minute changes and decisions can cause anxiety and strain relationships.
- Keep it simple. Keep conversations about the other parent simple and factual.
- Give permission. Unless there’s a threat of danger or abuse, tell your child it’s okay to have a relationship with your ex.
- Release. Be clear that divorce is between parents, not parents and children.
- Reassure. Reassure your child you love them and that divorce won’t change that.
- Manage finances. Avoid discussing finances in front of the kids.
- Have structure. Aim for similar rules in both households.
- Establish a routine. Your child will feel more secure when they know what to expect.
Keep in Mind
You’re not the first to ride the rough waters of divorce. And you don’t have to do it alone. Seek family counseling if you feel it would help. Support services are also available through community organizations and your child’s school.Sources:
American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and divorce. Opens in a new window Published June 2017. Accessed February 1, 2023.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Children and divorce. Opens in a new window Accessed February 3, 2023.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Managing conflict during divorce. Opens in a new window Accessed February 2, 2023.