Parenting doesn’t need to be a war between you and your child. When it comes to discipline, there is a positive way to alter your child’s behavior without bribes and threats. Effective discipline is proactive. It encourages healthy actions and personal responsibility and promotes your child’s self-esteem and appropriate development. Most importantly, positive discipline will strengthen the relationship between you, your child, and their siblings.

Why Children Misbehave

Most kids mean well and do their best to behave. But sometimes, they’ll fall short of our behavioral expectations. When this occurs, it’s our job as parents to determine what unmet needs or other reasons might be behind the misbehavior. Consider the following questions:

What is your personality type? Your child’s?
What is the behavior?
How do you feel about it?
What do you think is behind it?
Where and when is it occurring?
Who is there when it happens?
Is anything impacting or preventing your response to it?

Positive Discipline Strategies

Positive discipline trains children to behave without resorting to bribes, threats, yelling, or physical actions. The following strategies will teach you how to channel your child’s energy (and yours) into a more desirable outcome:

1. Refrain from saying no. There’s something about being told “no” that makes children (or adults) want to do something all the more. Your child may stop listening and tune you out. Instead, offer an alternative to the negative behavior. If your child is coloring on your wall, rather than yelling, “No!” try saying, “Let’s do a picture together in your new coloring book as a surprise for Grandma.”

2. Control yourself. Children watch their parents. You’re modeling for them what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and children will learn the most from your actions. If you yell, they’ll yell. If you hit the wall, they’ll hit the wall. Be mindful of what upsets you and makes you anxious. Take steps to remain calm and keep the situation from escalating. Your kids will notice.

3. Consistency. Sometimes we overlook or address behaviors based on the situation and our own energy level. This can confuse a child. When we’re clear and consistent with our expectations, children are less likely to test the limits. Be simple in your directions. If you’re using a chart or another method to track their behavior, make sure it’s not too difficult to understand.

4. Good behavior counts. Too often we give our kids more attention when they misbehave. When we choose to ignore a negative behavior (like whining) and highlight a good behavior (like being polite) instead, we show our kids what we truly value. Because kids crave attention, they’ll automatically do whatever gets the most attention, whether good or bad. The key is to recognize and encourage your child when their inappropriate behavior stops or when they exhibit the desired behavior. If a child appears likely to cause themselves, others, or property harm, don’t ignore the negative behavior.

5. Avoid bribery. When we offer our children bribes as incentives, they don’t associate good behavior as the reward itself. Help your child see that good behavior and choices bring their own rewards.

6. Give options. There’s nothing wrong with giving your child choices. If a child is fighting with their sibling, explain that you only have enough energy to either listen to their squabble or do something fun later. This gives your children the choice rather than turning the situation into a bribe.

7. Rewards. Incentives can be powerful motivators for positive behavior. Try using responsibility and attention. Trusting children to take care of certain tasks is not only a privilege but a reward in itself. When it’s framed this way, children will naturally desire to behave in a positive manner to gain more responsibilities. Your attention is priceless. Giving a child love, understanding, and your time can often be the best reward.

Raising healthy, well-behaved children takes time, consistency, and patience. Long-term habits require time, and children are no exception. The best results are not always immediate. Stick with it, and continue reinforcing your commitment. Loving your child is always a worthwhile investment with life-long returns.

Sources:

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Discipline. Accessed February 3, 2023. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Discipline-043.aspx

Children’s Minnesota. Positive discipline: A guide for parents. Accessed February 3, 2023. https://www.childrensmn.org/images/family_resource_pdf/027121.pdf

Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. The do’s and don’ts of disciplining your child. Accessed February 3, 2023. https://www.chop.edu/news/health-tip/dos-and-donts-disciplining-your-child

Parenting and Positive Discipline

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