At the local playground, Jules looks down at the holes in their shoes. The mocking rings in their ears. Kids laugh and say, “We were just kidding around.” But it doesn’t stop the embarrassment.

Sacha’s teenage crush breaks up with them. Their ex’s friends start posting hurtful comments online. Sacha is angry, ashamed and can’t help thinking, “This is all my fault.”

Mick tries to laugh it off when they’re shoved out of line. But alone in the hallway, they quietly cry. They desperately wish they were “tougher.”

Too many children experience bullying, and too often. Adults can help prevent this behavior by talking openly about bullying and responding quickly and consistently to it. This sends the message that bullying is not acceptable. But there are a lot of myths about bullying that may hurt our children and get in the way of change. Here are some of those myths and the facts behind them.

Getting the facts

Myth: It’s only teasing.

FACT: Unwanted teasing that hurts someone is bullying. This is especially true if it’s repeated. Bullying can be physical, verbal or social and can happen anywhere. It can range from hitting and shoving to name-calling and making threats. Some kids bully by spreading rumors or making others feel alone. Other kids use social media or text messages to hurt the person they’re bullying.

Myth: Bullying doesn’t cause any long-term problems.

FACT: Bullying has real long-term negative effects for everyone involved. Kids who are bullied are at higher risk for problems like depression, health complaints, running away, eating disorders, alcohol abuse and suicidal behavior.* They’re also at risk for bullying others. Kids who bully have a higher risk of getting into fights, committing crimes and, as adults, abusing their romantic partners and children.1

Myth: It’s just kids being kids.

FACT: Bullying is a learned behavior. The person who bullies intends to physically or emotionally harm someone who might have less physical or social power than they do. Kids will have conflict as they learn and refine their social skills. But causing deliberate harm isn’t just “playing” or “kids being kids,” it’s bullying. The good news is that all children can also learn to treat others with respect.

Myth: Bullying is a natural part of childhood.

FACT: Bullying may seem normal because it’s so common. But just because it's common, that doesn’t make it natural or OK. Physical, verbal and social bullying are not acceptable parts of childhood behavior. In fact, bullying behavior is considered a major public health problem.

Myth: Some people deserve to be bullied.

FACT: No one’s behavior, appearance or status gives someone else permission to bully and harm them. And it is not a person’s fault if they are being bullied — either because of something they did or who they are.3 Talk with children about how our differences make each person unique. Differences are chances to learn about each other, not excuses for taunting one another.

Myth: Bullying will make kids tougher.

FACT: Bullying can involve abuse, and its effects on children may be similar to the effects of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. Children who are bullied are at risk for depression, low self-esteem and harming themselves.* And just like with other forms of abuse, we don’t ask the victim to toughen up or expect them to handle the situation on their own. We offer support.

Reaching your child

Adults must take active steps to decrease bullying in our communities and for our children. There are things you can do to help prevent bullying generally. And things you can do if your child is being bullied or bullying others.

Prevent bullying

Talk about bullying. Tell your children what it is, why it’s not acceptable and how to spot it. Let them know bullying can happen during school or after school hours, on the bus, in your neighborhood or on the internet. Remind them that everyone has a right to feel safe.

Teach tips and strategies. It’s important for children to feel supported and report bullying. Teach them how to stand up to kids who bully without using bullying or aggressive behavior themselves. Depending on the situation, they could try using humor, confidently saying “stop” or walking away. And encourage kids to speak to an adult they trust when they see bullying or feel bullied.

Model kindness. Urge kids to protect others who are bullied by showing kindness and getting help. Model the same behavior — show kindness and respect to people in your own life. Kids learn how to treat others and manage their stress in part by watching us.

Keep talking and asking. Ask questions about their daily life and their feelings. The more you talk to them and demonstrate your desire to hear what they have to say, the more likely they are to come to you when they have a problem.

Observe. Kids may be hesitant to talk if they feel embarrassed or frightened. Look for warning signs that they might have been bullied. For example, missing items, changes in habits and attitudes and unhappiness about going to school or leaving the house.

If your child is being bullied

Listen and teach. One of the best ways to provide emotional support is just to listen. Assure them that it is not their fault. Continue to encourage them so that they’re not afraid to ask an adult for help. Then teach them when and how to ask for that help.

Practice confidence without aggression. Being assertive and insisting the person bullying them leave them alone may go a long way. Talk through how your child might respond next time — confidently but without bullying in kind. Practice eye contact, standing tall, speaking in a firm, calm voice and then walking away.

Encourage friends and activities. Children who feel confident about their relationships with others are less likely to be bullied. Encourage them to do activities they enjoy with other people. And help develop the relationships they have by suggesting their friends come to your home.

Team up with the school. If bullying is taking place at school or involves students from the school, alert school officials. Write down and report bullying, including cyberbullying. And then work with a guidance counselor, teachers or other staff to help your child and other children affected by bullying.

If your child is bullying others

Talk. Calmly explain what you’ve noticed or what they’ve been accused of. Listen to their version of the story. Help them understand their actions and how they harm other people and themselves. But also talk about their strengths and encourage their positive behavior.

Hold them accountable. At home, respectfully but firmly tell your child that you take bullying very seriously and don’t tolerate it. Work with your child’s school, too. Support them in holding your child accountable. Work with them to find solutions and ask to be kept informed.

Set clear rules and expectations. Make clear rules and talk through them. Explain the specific consequences for breaking those rules. When you need to discipline your child, use nonphysical methods. For instance, take away electronic devices.

Spend time with them. Watch your child’s activities. Who do they hang out with and where? How do they act online? Also, spend time with them developing their interests. You can model positive behavior and make sure they have less “time on their hands” to get into bad situations.

More help and information

Preventing and stopping bullying is no easy task. But it starts with breaking down myths, talking openly about bullying and responding quickly.

If you’re having trouble supporting a child who has been bullied or changing bullying behavior, try reaching out to a professional. A teacher, counselor or your child’s pediatrician may be able to help. If you’d like more information about bullying or how to find help, here are some resources for you.

KnowBullying is an app from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). It provides practical tips for specific ages, may help you recognize warning signs and suggests conversation starters.
Protecting Kids Online has resources to help your children be safe and make responsible decisions online.
Get Help Now has resources for kids, teens and adults when you feel like everything you’ve tried isn’t working.

* If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide or is in crisis, get help right away. If you or a loved one is having a mental health or substance use crisis, call or text 988 to connect with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you have an immediate, life-threatening emergency, call 911.

Sources:

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. “Bullying resource center: FAQ.” May 2018. Accessed: October 29, 2021. www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Resource_Centers/Bullying_Resource_Center/FAQ.aspx
Chen, Y. Y., & Elklit, A. (2017). Exposure to Bullying Among Adolescents Across Nine Countries. Journal of child & adolescent trauma, 11(1), 121–127. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40653-017-0172-x
Healthy Children. “Bullying: It’s not OK.” October 2021. Accessed: October 29, 2021. www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/at-play/Pages/Bullying-Its-Not-Ok.aspx
Stop Bullying. “What is bullying?” July 2020. Accessed: October 29, 2021. www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying
Stop Bullying. “How to prevent bullying?” May 2019. Accessed: October 29, 2021. www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/how-to-prevent-bullying
Stop Bullying. Homepage. N.D. Accessed: October 29, 2021. https://www.stopbullying.gov/
Waseem M, Nickerson AB. Bullying. (2021) In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2021 Jan-. Accessed: December 9, 2021. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK441930/

Bullying: Get the facts, reach the child

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