Having an adult relationship with your parents can be both rewarding and challenging. Some parents are overly critical, complain when you try to help, or never say “thank you.” The challenges can become especially difficult as they continue to age. As the parent/child roles begin to reverse, transitioning to a caregiving role is a major shift. You must determine how to care for yourself and focus on your parent as well, and the stress of this task can strain your relationship and affect your physical and emotional wellbeing.

The Aging Process

In many ways, aging is a grieving process. Older adults slowly lose their independence as their minds and bodies fail to function properly and may need to transition from their home to yours or to a facility. Try to be empathic and consider how you would feel if you lost control of your body and your choices. Putting yourself in your aging parent’s shoes might help you better understand why they are experiencing grief-like symptoms.

Transition Tips for Aging Parents and Adult Children

The following guidelines can help you practice good self-care and caregiving skills.

Self-care Tips

Care for yourself first. Caregiver stress can cause physical, emotional, and mental problems. When we don’t prioritize ourselves, we limit our caregiving efforts. It’s important to get proper rest, good nutrition, and regular exercise. When we feel better, we’re able to enjoy our loved ones more. Ask for help and delegate tasks to other family members if you need it.
No comparisons. You need to be comfortable saying “no” when you’re physically or emotionally unable to handle a responsibility. Know your limitations. Avoid comparing your relationship with your parents to someone else’s relationship with theirs. Every family has its own unique challenges.
Understand your anxiety. Relationships with our parents can sometimes be difficult. When we’re stressed and anxious about other areas of life, it’s easy to direct those emotions toward those we love most. The more easily you can identify when you are stressed or anxious, the better equipped you’ll be to know when to handle situations with your parents.
Accept a lack of recognition. It can be challenging, but it’s important to grasp you may not receive praise and thanks for taking on this responsibility. Some parents struggle deeply with change and the fear of aging and are unable to express their appreciation. It’s important to focus on why the job you’re doing is important rather than the lack of recognition.

Caregiving Tips

Practice empathy. If your parent is experiencing chronic pain, it’s difficult for them to be in a good mood all the time. They may put on a good face in front of others but feel comfortable to express themselves honestly with family. Try to understand what pains your parent is feeling as well as their physical and cognitive losses. This can help you empathize with their moods, comments, and expressions.
Listen. Listening honors your parent. Be patient. It might take them longer to articulate their thoughts. The aging process can be scary. It’s possible your parent is experiencing rational or irrational fears. Listening can calm their nerves. Try to explain facts in a simple, non-threatening way. Be kind when they repeat themselves—even if you’re hearing the same childhood story for the thousandth time. If they’re struggling with technology, remember some tasks are extremely difficult with memory loss or degenerating eyesight. Be patient like you would with a child struggling to read or tie their shoes.
Watch for personality changes. Cognitive difficulties and medication can alter your parent’s personality. It’s important to contact their physician if there are any sudden changes. They may accuse you of trying to hurt them or be suspicious of you. They could have sudden outbursts, yell, and become visibly distressed. Try not to take these personally. This is not the true heart of your parent.
Give back their power. It can be easy to do certain tasks for your parent because you can do it faster. But things might be calmer if you give your parent some control, even in small areas. Ask for their input about decisions that affect their life. Giving back power, even if it’s minimal, can greatly improve your relationship.

Keep in Mind

The process of giving up control over life isn’t easy for anyone. However, when we’re able to walk our parents through decision-making when it comes to small changes first, they are more likely to trust us with the big ones. Ultimately, doing the right thing for your parent’s wellbeing is what matters most.

Sources:
Healthinaging.org. Tip sheet: how to be the best caregiver you can be. Published June 2019. Accessed February 12, 2023.

Washington State Department of Social and Health Services. Caring for an aging parent. Accessed February 1, 2023.

AARP. How to Work With Aging Parents When They Resist Help. Published December 19, 2019. Accessed February 1, 2023.

Caring for Aging Parents

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